Grief.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with the bad stuff and this is the grieving process. We grieve the loss of a dog, loved one, marriage, job. Anything we felt a connection to - we will grieve the loss of that special thing. It's important to sit with your grief and move with it, not to shun it away and pretend strength is the only outlet. By doing this, we never truly move on or past the thing we miss so much. There is a book I love and always go back to. It's titled "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" and you can buy it here. It's a book I have highlighted and drawn through. It's truly a different perspective on life, death and loss.
The grieving process is different for everyone and will include the following steps/stages of emotional clearing. The first and last are easily identified although no one will go through these steps in the same manner and the emotions will be felt at various stages. Typically, the first stage is denial. Denial that this really isn't happening, this can't be real life, test results aren't clear or true, there is a mistake in the outcome, etc. Denial is usually the first step because it's easy for us to "unadopt" the bad news we fear and dread.
The last stage, also easy to identify, is acceptance. This comes with peace and willingness. This is after all of the other emotion run through their course and change is inevitable. The news is true, the future will take a different path than originally thought, and this is the new reality. People will usually come into acceptance with open arms knowing that all will be right in the end. It it's not right, it's not the end.
The middle stages have no particular order and as I said previously, they tend to ebb and flow back and forth with each other. They are anger, bargaining and depression. Anger and depression may sound similar but they're actually not. Anger will happen when the person with the bad news starts to blame everyone around them for their experience. People will generally strike who they love the most unfortunately. This is because they are trusted and aware of the struggles up until this point in time. Depression on the other hand, is a a typically dark stage. They will have a feeling of impending doom and that there will never be a light at the end of the tunnel. They will never love again, their life will never be the same again and because of this, they will tend to withdraw. Withdraw from social encounters, family, activities and hobbies. They will refuse to participate in normal functions and if they do get to those social functions, they will be soft spoken, closed and generally displeased. The depressive state can last for weeks, months or years depending on individual circumstances. Bargaining is a middle stage where people will barter for a cure, time or solution. This is the stage where people will trade bad habits for a better quality of living. Often, people turn to religion in this stage and are willing to put their life in a higher powers hands with the mentality of "if it's meant to be, it'll be".
It's important to note that not only will the person directly affected by the loss or diagnosis go through these stages, but so will the people around them. If this is a divorce, both parties will go through a grieving process. The friends that surround that couple will too, but to a lesser extent. If someone is diagnosed with cancer, obviously this will start the grieving process, but the people around that one single person will start their own as well.
One last thing, no ones loss is the same. Moreover, comparing losses is unnecessary. Everyone will hurt and grieve in their own way and to quantify or qualify this for a comparison will not help anyone. Understanding each person as an individual and knowing that our emotions are different is a huge step towards acceptance.
Once acceptance is reached, doesn't mean the person is "over it". They will never be over it. Memories will flood and rush their cognition and flash backs will occur. The yearning and missing or the anxiety and worry will come back and different stages of life including holidays, special moments, milestones, and similar experiences in friends. This is normal. Sitting with your sadness and allowing yourself to feel the loss is probably what you need in these fleeing moments.
Whatever your loss is, I wish you peace and grace through it all
as always, my heart hugs your hearts, xoxoc
Comments